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I haven’t written a letter to Santa in a long, long time, but the last time I did he brought me everything I asked for. So I figured what the heck, he didn’t leave me hanging last time, so why not see if he’ll hook me up again. So here’s a copy of my letter I sent to the North Pole.
Dear Santa,
I know Christmas is supposed to be a time for giving and not receiving, but you do such a great job with the giving thing and I know a lot of people who are in need, so please take a look at my list. You can look at it twice, and you know, like you always do, determine whether I’ve been naughty or nice. And with the exception of that one night, that featured tequila and a hot waitress who kind of looked like Anna Kournakova, I’ve been really good. Just ask her, she’ll tell you how good! Anyway, I’ve got some things I’d like and few things for my friends. If you could deliver ASAP it would be greatly appreciated.
1) A new owner for the Cleveland Indians who isn’t related to Ebenezer Scrooge. Maybe that new owner will be like you and give, give, give to the fans! Instead of asking us to spend, spend, spend.
2) I know you have a lot of tiny elves who work for you and build great toys. Do you need any really tall, useless guys who could help the Abominal Snow Monster from your great TV hit Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? We call him “Z” and he too could put the star on top of the tree without a ladder. Although he may miss 2 or 3 times before he gets it done. We’ll trade you him for a few of the old leather NBA basketballs.
3) You have reindeer who pull your sleigh and lead the way for you. The Browns could use 5 guys who would act like reindeer and lead the way for their running backs and quarterback. This is probably the biggest wish that anyone and everyone in Cleveland would like granted, especially Charlie Frye and Derek Anderson. This wish, if granted, could save lives, that’s how important it is.
4) While we’re dealing with football. How about a lifetime contract for Jim Tressel to remain as the head coach at “THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY”. He, unlike the other coaches in the state of Ohio, brings joy and happiness to many people and isn’t that what the Christmas spirit is all about?
5) Oh yeah, one more lifetime contract. Please make sure that fine gentleman in Ann Arbor, Michigan gets a lifetime contract too. His name is Lloyd Carr and he too brings joy and happiness to many people in Ohio.
6) To all the presidents of all the great universities in this country. Could you please place under their trees and in their brains why it would benefit them and the NCAA that a playoff system in college football would make everyone happy. The players and coaches would be happy because a national champion would actually be crowned on the field. The fans would be happy for the same reason. They themselves and the suits that run the NCAA would be happy because they could make as much money as they do now, if not more. It’s a win-win for everybody.
7) Along the lines of Christmas again. We have a King here in Cleveland. You may have heard of him, his name is LeBron James. King LeBron is such a great person and such a great giving person (check his career assist stats in the NBA) that he wouldn’t dare ask you for anything, since it seems like he already has everything. Everything but a point guard on his basketball team. Could you please check in Sacramento (Mike Bibby), in Charlotte (Brevan Knight) or anywhere else and see if you could drop one off at The “Q” sometime real soon. A guy by the name of Eric Snow will gladly give him his locker.
8) A Magic 8 Ball to help Browns GM Phil Savage on draft day 2007. That toy is never wrong. You can shake it and toss it and it always answers your question. Heck, it can’t do any worse than the Browns have done in selecting draft picks in the first 8 years.
9) I almost forgot what I wanted. Remember that naughty thing I mentioned earlier with that waitress? How about this time you bring me the real Anna Kournakova so we can play a little one-on-one?
10) And in closing, a closer for the Cleveland Indians who isn’t over 40 years old, or coming off some kind of arm, or shoulder, or elbow injury.
That’s what my friends and I would like for Christmas this year. It’s only 10 things, but if you could grant all of those Christmas wishes you would be making a lot of people very, very happy.
As we say on the golf course Santa…”You Da Man!”
